my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Every haunted house movie:
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
A French press is when you hug naked
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there