At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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mom had nothing to worry about
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying