I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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black phone good
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Discuss
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.