The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.