*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.