RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.