Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it