Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.