My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The dark side of Canada
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Breaking news:
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.