Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Lassie, get help!
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.