Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
shampoo implies shampee
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.