universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
some Old Testament wisdom
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”