Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
just witnessed a drug deal
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp