A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*