Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
m’lady
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.