Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.