Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
You Might Also Like
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.