If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Good news
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh