the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
the world’s most popular steaming services
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses