Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
👾👾👾
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Kermit goes Blue.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.