Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”