[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Look at this
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.