Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You Might Also Like
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.