Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I am also baked goods
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.