Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
How to find Kentucky on a map
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.