Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
this FaceApp is creepy af
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.