An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers