If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?