Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Are we there yet?…
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”