a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”