OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.