Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
This is me 🤣🤣
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
thank god
got so much cardio in today
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA