respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.