I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.