People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Stop.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property