me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
become ungovernable
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
She: I like Cats
He:
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?