My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
respect
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right