remember
only for emergencies
You Might Also Like
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.