[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If Spider-man鈥檚 powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don鈥檛 want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don鈥檛.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it鈥檚 a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we鈥檙e just close
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we鈥檙e going back for them. Calm down
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe