Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
You Might Also Like
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Finally, an explanation.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.