But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Bro what is this
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.