An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…