My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.