Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
buys donuts instead
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
catch me on valentine’s day like
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My circle of trust is a meatball