Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
new record!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
me and the Superbowl rn
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.