Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
it must be school picture day
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office