This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.