at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Finally!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?