[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
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Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
worst…sale…ever
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem