Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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*exercises sarcastically*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me